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So you're in a bit of a pickle. That special someone is coming over but you're afraid your sex life is getting boring. What's the best way to combine as many godawful fetishes into one place, preferably a pair of pants, as quickly and efficiently as possible?

Here's your answer. You know how mattresses have that tag on them warning you not to remove it, and it's hard to figure out what could be so bad if you removed the tag, but almost nobody ever removes it anyway, just because something awful might happen?

If someone wrote on that tag that you should never stick an electrified metal rod in your wang, this product might never have been invented.

One of the worst things that can happen to anyone's sex life is the day you wake up and realize your sexuality in no way reflects anything you've witnessed in the Hellraiser series of films.

It doesn't have to be that way though. Thanks, Extreme Ass Spreader! OK, we have to interject here. Why in the hell would you possibly need to stretch your anus four inches wide?

Ah, again we learn why you don't ask the Internet a question you don't want to know the answer to.

The thing is, every kind of sex has disadvantages, where you can't reach certain things or perform certain actions, or one partner gets left out of the pleasure.

This product seems to perfectly combine all of those downsides into one device. To the point that they need them to vibrate way, way more than even the most powerful internal motor can drive it?

To the point that in order to feel anything, you need an industrial power tool spinning your marital aid at several hundred RPMs and creating enough friction to spark spontaneous vaginal combustion in the process?

This actually looks like a fairly standard piece of high-quality plumbing equipment you'd find at the hardware store, until you look closely at the largest black attachment.

Then you realize this is for, as the site says, "intimate water play. Remember how, as a teenager, you'd try to dupe members of the opposite sex into a game of Twister in the hopes of one day maybe touching some boob "by accident"?

This is what happens when that mischievous childhood memory is taken to Hollywood and gang fucked by men in masks.

If the Post Master up there didn't look quite dangerous enough, why not take those same mounted dildos and put them on a spring? And then jump up and down with it inside you?

Why, they even added an attachment for a friend so you can stare into each other's eyes as you both come to the realization you're suffering massive genital trauma that you'll likely never recover from.

Remember all those times you had sex and thought something was missing? If that something involved being suspended by your ankles in a full-body rubber straight jacket, your life is about to get a whole lot better.

If not, things are probably about to get worse. This gruesome looking thing may or may not be designed to make the average man look as though his crotch is being attacked by an afro'd manta ray.

It's hard to say, really. Ian is currently recovering from the trauma of researching this article over at www. For further terror from the world of sex, check out 5 Ridiculous Safe for Work Fetishes.

And to wipe the horror from your eyes, stop on by Cracked. Don't make me do this again. Don't have an account?

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